Advent date number 5.

We made Martha Stewart's deliciously thick peppermint hot chocolate.

(and nursed some sugar-induced stomach aches later on. oof!)

Advent dates 3 & 4

We wrote out our Christmas lists, 

and then, under the glow of the glorious tree,

we packed up a little Christmas/baby shower package for Gretel

while streaming the St Olaf Christmas concert.

Oh wait. I did that. (It was as magical as it sounds.)

Poor sick little Ryan pulled a chair up to his favorite spot in front of the tv

and watched the Packer game.

he loved it, I'm sure.

and just like that

image found via Pinterest

I was right. The prayers, Ryan coming home, a phone call from my sister--it all helped. God is good! He gave me a brand new day today, which is helping me with yesterday. 

Yesterday was hard, but it was a long time coming...and I know that I need those days. They remind me that I am a mother, and that even though she isn't here with me, I have a daughter. They remind me that I am human and it's okay to mourn. I can't always be strong. I'll burst.

And now, because I am an optimist, I'll find some good things in yesterday: the morning snowfall, the email that told me my glasses shipped, the delicious burger I had for supper.

There. That's better.

blue

painting by Lulie Wallace

The tears started unannounced in the shower. In my head, I began running through different parts of my morning, trying to figure out the reason they showed up--I sent a sick husband off to work, the day was cloudy and cold, it's Monday. But, no, I couldn't blame it on hormones or anything else. I could tell-- today was just a day for being sad.
It wasn't until I was out of the shower and dressed that I realized it's been two months since we met our baby. Two long months since we held her, with hearts that were so, so sad. Two months since we sat on that hospital bed, in awe of this tiny baby with perfectly formed fingernails, and knobby knees, and two tiny buds for ears that were just starting to unfold, just starting to hear my voice. I would have been 30 weeks along today, but instead of feeling the jabs from those tiny knees, I am empty. My body is healed and back to normal and so lonely. Two months not pregnant.

Of course, things will turn around. The prayers and devotions will help. I'll perk up in a few hours when Ryan comes home from work. I know tomorrow will be better, as it always is. But for now, I'm missing my baby girl and letting the day be sad.

Christmas in the Ward

On our second date of Advent, we saw the tree lighting in the Third Ward.

Also spotted: Santa, two reindeer, Ronald McDonald?, and a really cute wiener dog.

on the first date of advent

we turned on national lampoon's christmas vacation

unwrapped some candy canes

and trimmed that tree!

(we also got panda express take out, 

but i don't think that qualifies as a christmas themed activity. 

still delicious.)

advent!

Last year's Christmas season was such a bust. Between my soul-sucking, time consuming job and . . . well, that's really the only thing that kept us from soaking up the Christmas spirit all December long. It wasn't until I had a few days off right before Christmas that we were able to deck the halls and trim the tree and all that stuff. I remember Ryan gathered all of my favorite Christmas movies and let me play them all day long, one after the other, while we bustled around wrapping gifts and hanging stockings. It was actually pretty cozy. We stuffed a whole lot of jolly into those few days. However. The Martha in me was so desperately sad. There was no time for homemade cocoa! Or quiet evenings gazing at the tree after Advent services! Or pom pom garlands!

Not this year. This year, it's going to be a whole month of jolly.

And so.

I'm hanging garland from just about every surface, and baking the cookies, and doing everything I can to make the season bright. I mean, we've got 3 Advent calendars. Two of them involve chocolate. But the big one provides one Christmas-y activity each day. We're soaking it up big time this year, and it's going to be grand.