Some things I want to tell you RIGHT NOW.

1. Thank you to all of you who have sent emails and comments about my last blog post. Sometimes all I need is a little encouragement and my confidence is boosted to the moon! I have all sorts of excited feelings for the blog again, and it's because of your kind words. Thank you, thank you! It's funny-- I stumbled upon this post by sweet Natalie last night, and it said, in the most perfect way, exactly what I've been trying to say. Here's my favorite part:

"Blogging is great because, if done right, you can create a world for yourself where all of the small but wonderful moments can be magnified and kept and shared, and where people who've never met can inspire and encourage each other. 

So, after a bit of housekeeping, I am ready to go. I am itchy to record the funny little things in life that make me oh so happy, and all of the things I'm doing. 

Mostly, I am ready to create my life. This is a small but important step for me - I am about to make my life a little bit better."

AMEN, Natalie. Amen. Now, here's a hug for all of you wonderful bloggy people.

2. Bits of Christmas are still sticking around over here. I've been trying for the past three days to get the tree down, but every time I get into it, Ralph wakes up from his nap. It's like he knows. He just doesn't want me to take that sparkly thing down. 

3. However: Ryan did say goodbye to his Christmas beard. He was starting to look a little homeless and he was using my comb to smooth it out, and I kept telling him to trim it, and he kept telling me he wanted to see exactly how long he could grow it, and I kept showing him pictures of that guy in the J.Crew catalog with the baseball cap and the nicely groomed beard, and 'doesn't that look nice, dear?' And finally he said to me, "Amelia, I don't want to be the guy with the groomed beard. I want to be the guy with the grizzly beard." But, I won, and he trimmed it. And oh, did it look nice! And then, four days later, he up and shaved the whole dern thing right off, along with like 10 lbs I think? He looks like senior-in-high-school Ryan again. It's nice. 

4. We painted the dining room over the weekend. It's white and bright and makes the rest of the house look old and moldy. We both kind of hate painting, but the dining room turned out so nice that we're going to go ahead and start the living room this weekend. So for those of you who are asking for a little house tour, it's coming! Probably not very soon, with the exception of a few happy corners, and maybe some moldy before pictures, but it's coming. And hopefully soon I can show you Ralphie's little room, which is turning out pretty cute, I think.

That's it. Happy Wednesday.

I've been thinking.

Posts on New Year goals and resolutions are all over all the blogs right now. There are so many good ones, so many that seem to say exactly what I've been feeling and mulling over in my head for the past few weeks. (This one and this one, especially.)

And before we get into the belly of this sure-to-be-long blog post, I'd just like to say that, as much as I love Christmas time (oh, I do!) there's nothing like the freshness of wiping away the old Christmas dust, clearing everything out, and beginning again. In every part of life. And isn't a thick, glossy January magazine full of color and salads and organizational tips just the bees knees?

But, like I said, I've been thinking. About the new year and my little family and my little blog-- especially about my little blog. I started it over a year ago, writing and posting for no one but myself. I had wanted to start one long before I actually did, but the long and lonely days after the stillbirth of my first baby were what made me actually sit down and write. It felt good to have a space where I could record my memories and feelings, as well as an extra place to experiment with and test my creativity. I really loved my little blog and it's few faithful followers. 

Over time I gained more readers, and eventually, people that I actually knew in real life were finding out about my blog, which was equal parts exciting and terrifying. And I don't know exactly when it started happening, but I think I began editing my posts. I was no longer just writing to friendly internet strangers, I was writing to so and so and that friend from such and such. So, instead of just blogging freely and writing whatever popped into my head, I began to think, Will so and so think it's weird that I take so many pictures of my living room? I stopped blogging as often as I wanted to because it made me feel anxious, and when I did blog, I wrote in a tight, cramped, edited voice that wasn't mine at all. I've been suffering from a severe case of blogging stage fright, and it's prevented me from growing this blog the way I want to.

It doesn't help that I'm still not sure I know what direction I want to take with my blog. I like to take pictures, but I'm not a photographer. I like to write, but I'm not a writer. I like to decorate my house and bake and draw and paint, but I'm not Martha Stewart. So, oftentimes, I find myself floundering and wondering what I truly have to offer in a blog. What can I give to my readers that will make them want to keep coming back?

And yet, I know that if there's anything I'm good at, it's being creative. I mean, I graduated college with an Art major and an English minor. Writing, creating, and recording the beautiful and happy things in my life are all hobbies that I love-- they're the things that I do to avoid doing things that I hate, like cleaning the shower. Does that make sense? Anyway, the blogging community is something I am so strongly drawn to-- I feel like it's the kind of place where I can stretch and grow and challenge myself, right next to people who are so similar to me. I want to keep being a part of it.

So, in the spirit of a fresh new year and for the love of my blog, I made a few resolutions. And just like every other blogger has said, I'm writing them here so that they're public-- so that I will be held to them:

+ I'm going to try to write freely again, in my own voice, without editing. (Except for the editing that comes from Ryan, of course. He's a good judge of knowing what I should and shouldn't say, and reads many of my posts before I hit publish. If he shows even the slightest cringe it's backspace, backspace, backspace.)

+ I'm going to try to post at least 3 times a week, even if I feel like I'm writing about nothing. I recently read old posts from last year, and I love them. Even the stupid ones. I'm so glad for the bits of life I recorded here.

+ I'm going to try to put my Art major to good use, and one way or another, find a way to make a little money for my family. I don't like knowing that the pressure of paying for student loans, a new house, and hospital bills is all on Ryan's shoulders. I'd love to be able to help. This one especially makes me nervous. Like, hives and high blood pressure nervous.

+ And I guess as long as I'm posting some goals, I'd also like to make it official that I intend to lose the baby weight, and for the love of Pete, finally figure out how to make the big photos that I post un-fuzzy. They're not fuzzy when I take them. Why do they show up fuzzy here? It's driving me nuts. (HELP.)

I also resolve to wear more hats. 2013 is about to get really exciting.

Christmas morning

This is a post about our first Christmas as a family of 3, but really... I could just write about the breakfast we ate that morning. I love breakfast. So much.

Anyway.

I woke up at 7:15ish on Christmas morning to the sounds of Ralphie rustling in his moses basket next to me. When I rolled over and peered into his basket he gave me the happiest little grin, like, "Hey mom, it's Christmas!" Oh, what a charmer!

We spent our morning listening to Christmas music and opening gifts while Ralph wiggled and kicked on the floor by the tree, completely ignoring the gifts I so carefully chose for him. Lots of toys and blocks and books and dollies were opened for Ralph, and lots of books and socks were opened by the two adults in the room. I gave Ryan a new record player to replace our old broken one, and we're both so excited to listen to our records again!

The rest of the day was full of family and food and both sets of grandparents, and the fun's still not over-- we have two more Christmases to celebrate in the next week. So, I've got some baking to do. Ah, the most wonderful time of the year!

Ralphie's first Christmas Eve.

As it turns out, having a baby at Christmastime is really fun. There's a whole lot of waving of arms and big, blinky stares at the pretty lights on the tree. We had the best time on Christmas Eve. After a little family time at my nephew's first Christmas Eve program (the cutest,) the three of us came home and celebrated with a humble cheese board, Christmas cookies, and a little wine. 

And then the photoshoots began. My inner stage mom  came out, and we set Ralphie all up under the tree with his Christmas jams on and a candy cane in his chubby fist, just like a little sleeping Who from Whoville. (He nailed it.) The child was an angel the whole time, cooing and smiling, even though it was way past his bed time. A Christmas Eve miracle! 

But really, the true miracle was how Ralph slept better than he ever has that night. I think it was his Christmas gift to his poor red eyed and ragged parents, because he hasn't done it again.

Merry Christmas!

Our first family Christmas card-- if you only knew what it took to get this photo.

We're having a very happy Christmas day over here,

and hope all of you are, too!

Love,

The Markgrafs

around these parts

Things are quiet around here lately. I'm spending my days slowly checking off items on to-do lists. This Christmas has been declared the 'use-what-i-already-have-or-can-harvest-from-my-backyard' in terms of decorating. My sister Liz gave me bunches of evergreen that she had leftover and I made garlands of cinnamon hearts, so although it may be free, it all sure smells nice. Cabin fever is already settling in and it's barely the middle of December, but I'm having so much fun spending the days inside making a cozy little home for my boys. Even if it is slowly turning my brain into a puddle of mush. Just kidding. But sometimes I feel like I should read a challenging book or do a crossword puzzle just to make sure everything up there is working properly.

In between baking and decorating and Christmas shopping, I'm using up all my free time getting to know my Ralphie. His little personality is finally starting to peek through, which is so fun to see. He loves laying in his crib and looking up at his mobile-- and nothing makes me more proud, because I totally made that thing. Gold star for this mom! He's starting to coo and smile, and he looks just like his Dad when he does, which makes my heart turn all mushy.

So that's whats going on over here-- just a mushy brain and a mushy heart. What's new with you?

A six week progress report

Ralph is six weeks old today, hooray!

So far I've observed that my little boy does NOT like to be swaddled. And darn it! Babies look so cute in swaddles! But no, Ralphie prefers to have his arms free to flail about and wake him suddenly while he's sleeping. You should see how well he can flail those arms when he's angry. Wee!

Guess what else Ralphie prefers: sleeping on his stomach. And darn it again, because there's nothing I worry about more than SIDS. He won't sleep on his back, and I won't let him sleep on his tummy at night, and therefore, our last few weeks have been a little like this: I stay up all night with a semi-sleeping baby on my chest or a crying baby in his bassinet. And during the day, I put the child on his tummy on the couch, and he takes 3 hour marathon naps while I poke him every two minutes to make sure he's still breathing.

I'm not sure where he gets the tummy sleeping preference, as I have always been strictly a back and side sleeper. Ryan thinks Ralph got it from him, but you know I'm the one who sits up all night, and I've observed that Ryan sleeps on his back and breathes big sleepy puffs of cold air at me while I nurse.

Ralph does like his baths, clean diapers, looking at windows, and the soccer ball pacifier from his cousin Lilah. He does not like the hours between 5pm and 8pm. He does, however, like the sound of us shuuushing him back to sleep, so during those witchy evening hours you'll often find one of us pacing the floor, shh shh shh shuushhing, while an exhausted Ralphie bounces along with an open mouth and semi-closed eyes. Last night, in between bouts of some serious crying, Ryan looked at me with wide eyes and whispered, "We're prisoners in our own home." I looked back at him and said, "Yes. We are."

In conclusion, I've never slept less in my life and I'm not totally sure if any of this makes sense. 

But oh man, I don't care, because the past six weeks have been the best of my life. I've got a cute husband and a cute baby and I don't care if I never sleep again as long as I can keep hanging out with them.