10/5/13

happy birthday to you

IMG_8886 A few weeks ago my sister told me that my nephews still talk about the baby I lost. She said one night before bed they asked her if I'm still sad. They wondered if she was still little in heaven, or if she was big.

And oh, my heart.

It's been two years and my life now is so different from the one I had then, when my first pregnancy ended and my little baby died. I have another baby to think about and take care of now, and there isn't as much space in my mind to fill up thinking about my little girl all day. Or even every day. That thought alone makes me feel so sad. I can't help but feel some guilt over it. What kind of mother doesn't think about her child daily? Even one that's not here on earth anymore?

But no. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the passing of time, and I'm thankful that God is giving me exactly what I prayed so hard for-- a little bit of comfort and a little bit of peace. It keeps getting easier.

There are times when I look at Ralphie and wonder if he looks like what she would have looked like. There are times when I hear of another woman going through the shock and sadness of losing a baby. Those are the times my heart breaks all over again. I'm able to mend it back together pretty quickly, but it breaks all the same. And I'm glad for that too. It's good to remember her, even when it hurts.

Of course, it's this time of year that I remember her more often. She was born on a sunny fall day, and the trees that lined the street where we lived turned a brilliant shade of yellow the week we lost her. Those yellow leaves remind me of her so much.

So I baked you a cake, little baby. Happy birthday to you.

. . .

There are a few more posts about miscarriage/stillbirth on the blog if you're interested in reading them: her birth story here, and the post I wrote last year on this day, here.

24 comments:

  1. Oh Amelia, this is beautiful. Happy Birthday to your girl and to your mother heart.

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  2. I've also lost a baby and think often about what could have been--even though I have other children now--I always have a soft spot on that "due date" day. Thank you for this post.

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    1. Thank you for commenting. I am always amazed at how many women come forward to say it happened to them, too. I wish it was easier to talk about!

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  3. happy birthday to your little girl and i am so glad that your life is now so positive and full :)

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  4. Happy Birthday, sweet baby girl!!! Love you so much!

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  5. This is so beautiful Amelia. You are such a wonderful mama. God bless you & your sweet, sweet family. xo

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    1. Thank you, sweet friend! You're a wonderful mama too.

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  6. This was beautifully written! I lost twins and even though I have a little toddler to think about, they sometimes still creep into my mind especially when their due date rolls around. *hugs* you have a beautiful blog!

    xo
    Rachel

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    1. Thank you, Rachel! That must have been awful, and I'm so sorry for your loss. But isn't it good to think about them? Hugs right back to you.

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  7. oh amelia... my heart aches... you are so brave, and ralphie is so beautiful and cute. you live such a wonderful life with your family now! but there is sadness in everyone's lives, (mine too!) but we keep going! happy birthday to your sweet little one in Heaven. xoxo

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    1. Thanks Lindsay. :) You're so sweet!

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  8. oh my gosh....tearing right up. what a beautiful, heartwrenching post. xo

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  9. Oh, you have a beautiful heart Amelia. Losing a child must seem like the end if the world in some ways, I can't imagine.

    Baking Daniel a cake reminds me of another blog I follow - Pink Ronnie. She lost her firstborn Cameron in utero several years back and they make a point to share him with their children and celebrate his birthday every year.

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    1. I think it's so important to remember them! My mom had a miscarriage and she talked about that baby every now and then when I was little. It was always so strange to think that I might have had another older sister or brother, but I love thinking about meeting them someday in heaven!

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  10. Beautiful. I lost my baby girl two months ago - she should have been born next month. It was my first pregnancy as well. Thanks for the hope that it will get easier with time (I understand the guilt though - it creeps up on me every time I start feeling less sad), and thanks for sharing how you continue to love and remember your girl. Happy birthday to her. xo

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    1. Thank you, Mae. I am so sorry for you. It does get easier. But be kind to yourself-- it takes awhile! Xo to you.

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  11. My dear former neighbor always had a stocking on the mantle for her baby she lost at 5 mos pregnant, and it had been over 15 years. I don't know that it ever goes away, but, maybe it shouldn't. That was a beautiful post. I'm glad you baked a cake for her.

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    1. A stocking! I love that so much. I love hearing about all the different ways mamas honor their babies in heaven.

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  12. I lost first son during delivery and it still hurts even five years later, sometimes it feels bearable but then there are still days when sadness and anger overwhelm without warning. I am so lucky to now have a little girl and have just had a little boy this year. Having my little boy this year was so hard because he looks just like his brother and i found it hard to not think he would die too as it did not seem possible that he could be ok when his brother had to leave us. I am pleased you are able to be open about your loss as i still find it hard to talk about and i realise this does not help heal. xx

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    1. That must have been terrible. I am so sorry. I often think about how much harder it must be for mothers who lose babies that late-- right when you're ready to meet them and take them home. I am so glad you have two babies to hold and kiss. I hope the healing comes soon for you.

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