2/16/12

February 15th, 2012

Lately our evenings have been spent talking about how different this February was supposed to be. Not in a sad or bitter way, but more in a "Can you believe we could have had a baby by now?" kind of way. Thankfully, it seems that Ryan and I have grown out of the ugly side of grieving. (And by that I mean I'm no longer giving the middle finger to my computer screen whenever someone on facebook or twitter announces a pregnancy or birth.) ((Beyonce got a lot of middle fingers.))

Yesterday was supposed to be my due date. I anticipated having a hard time with it and I didn't want to be alone, so I went to my sister's house and played with her and her boys. I was so thankful for the distraction! Though, I came home last night and felt a little sad that I hadn't done anything to honor the baby that was supposed to be born. 

I constantly tell Ryan that one of the hardest things about losing our daughter is that I feel like a mother, yet I don't have much to show for it. It's so difficult to watch other parents enjoy sharing sweet stories and photos of their children--I want to shout, "I'm a parent, too! Even though my baby went to heaven earlier than she should have, it still counts!" Along with this, not many people know what to say when it comes to miscarriage--it's a hard topic to talk about. As a result, very few people know the story of our baby and her birth. Sometimes the feeling of not being able to talk about it is unbearable. So, please. Do you mind if I take a little time to tell you about her? I'll start here:

At our 20 week checkup, the baby measured at 18-19 weeks, and my fluid was low. My doctor didn't seem too concerned, but still had us make an appointment with an ultrasound specialist to check things over. I spent the week worrying, drinking glass after glass of water, and laying on my left side. That Sunday in church I remembered how the previous Sunday's service had been full of tiny bumps and wiggles. I quietly sat with my hand on my belly, waiting for a kick. I didn't feel anything. I think that was when I knew something was wrong.

We went to our next appointment that Tuesday, and the world's most insensitive doctor told us what we had been dreading. She checked the heartbeat, and there on the screen where the usual whomp-whomps had been in other appointments, was a long blank line. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't cry, and I couldn't look at Ryan. I lay on the hospital bed in misery for 20 minutes while that awful, thin-lipped doctor used the ultrasound to check for "deformities." She stared at the screen as though it were a fascinating science experiment, and my baby was so, so still.

Ryan and I checked into the hospital the next day, on October 5th, and I was given medicine to induce labor. I was terrified. I hadn't gotten to the labor and delivery chapters of my baby books yet. I was clueless about breathing and pushing, and I didn't know what to expect when the baby actually came. Thankfully, my nurses were wonderful and explained how a stillbirth delivery typically happens. I spent most of the day and and evening waiting. Finally, around 8pm, the medicine kicked in. After a short, but not so pain-less labor, my baby was born at 9:30pm. The doctor immediately took her to a different part of the room to examine her. As she was working, Ryan asked if the baby was a boy or a girl. Her response was, "It's a girl! Nope, wait, it's a boy!" They took the baby away to do some tests, and we were left alone.

Later on, after the baby had been dressed in a blue onesie and a much-too-large blue hat, Ryan brought her to me to hold. Since she was so small and fragile, they wrapped her in a blanket and put her in a tiny basket. We looked at her small hands and feet, and opened her onesie to catch a glimpse of her bird-like legs. She was beautiful. We knew we had to give her a name, but all the names we had picked seemed too jolly for our little one. We opened our Bible, hoping for a some inspiration. Because the doctor had told us she was a boy, we searched for boy names, and chose Daniel. The name felt so right.

Two weeks later, we were back at the doctor's office to get the results of all the testing. We were told that 50% of stillbirth cases can't be explained, and ours was one of them. As frustrating as that was to hear, we were relieved to know that I am perfectly healthy, and my body is normal. We were given the go-ahead to try for another baby whenever we were ready. My wonderful doctor assured me that the next time around, I would be monitored closely and that he would do all he could to take care of me and my baby. Then he hugged me (as I sat pants-less on the table--oy) and said, "See you soon!" While I never, ever want to be in the antepartum wing of the hospital again, I would love to see my doctors and nurses again. I'm so thankful for the way they cared for me.

We were also told at that appointment that the baby was not a boy, but a girl. My doctor was so apologetic, but Ryan and I laughed it off as human error. It wasn't until a while later, when we returned home, that I realized we had given our daughter a boy's name and dressed her in blue. It broke my heart a little bit. But, after talking about it, we decided to keep the name we had given her. We love what it means.

A few hours after my baby was born, the nurse on duty brought in a few gifts and keepsakes for Ryan and me. Among those things was a photo album filled with some pictures of our daughter, and four little ceramic molds of her hands and feet. I cherish those little gifts we have to remember her by.

Now. I don't quite know how to close this. However, I will tell you that you can bet your bottom dollar we're hoping for another sweet baby as soon as possible. And that I feel better knowing that I shared my baby's little story with whoever pushed through this terribly long blog post. Thank you for reading it.

30 comments:

  1. Amelia, I love you. Thank you for sharing your daughter's story with us. She is so lucky to get to watch over the two best parents from Heaven.

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  2. Thank you for sharing you and your daughter's story, these kind of posts never seem easy to write and share exactly how you feel, but I appreciate your words and can tell she is loved.

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  3. Thank you for sharing that story! I too suffered from miscarriages and then just not being able to get pregnant. I remember feeling like time moved so slow when we wanted a baby! I remember feeling so heartbroken so many times. I hope that when you do get pregnant again you can feel at peace and not worry too much! In the end we decided to adopt. When our sweet girl was just a few weeks old I found out I was pregnant! So Emily just turned 1 and brigham is 3 months old. I obviously don't know you but I can tell you are going to be a great mom. For the 2nd time :)

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  4. Thank you for sharing your families story. I love her tiny little feet.
    We never know why the Lord chooses us for the things he does. But maybe you will be able to help someone someday. Here's a hug !!!!!

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  5. Thank you for sharing your daughter's story.

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  6. Amelia, you and Ryan are an amazing couple. Your strength, maturity, and honesty are inspiring. Your daughters story is heartbreaking yet you tell it so beautifully. I wish you both happiness in the year to come. So much love and best wishes.

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  7. Thank you for sharing your daughtwr's story with us. It is beautiful. And I love her little feet. :)

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  8. Amelia, thank you for sharing the beautiful story of your daughter's life. You are very brave and I pray that you will be blessed again very soon :)

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  9. Thank you for sharing this. Pregnancy loss is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I just found your blog and I am so glad I did.
    Nicole

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  10. And I will be praying for you and your husband, to be blessed really soon!

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  11. I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers for healing and a healthy pregnancy sometime soon.

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  12. this was not terribly long, that was terribly beautiful. thank you so much for letting hear the story of your daughter. I hope this year brings you and your husband that sweet baby.

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  13. Thinking of you. So sorry for your loss and wishing you a healthy pregnancy soon.

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  14. Such a brave and heart wrenching post. Youve proven what dedicated and passionate parents you are already. What a magical family you have already, and will grow larger one day. Wishing all the very best.

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  15. This is such an unbelievably brave post. Thank you for sharing. Never doubt that you are indeed a parent. xoxo

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  16. This post made me cry--i cannot even contemplate what the pair of you have been through and won't pretend I can.

    All i want to say is that the pair of you seem so sweet form what I have read will make amazing parents and I am looking forward to the day when you tell us some good news about your family growing.

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  17. Bless your heart! You are a great mom, and that little baby is lucky to be a part of you. Best of luck in the future!

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  18. What a beautifully worded way to honor your precious little one. Did you know I chose to follow your blog because I love your writing?

    And now you could use your gift to bless the rest of us.

    Here's to hoping for a bouncing bundle of happiness in your near future!

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  19. Thank you, thank you to everyone! Your kind words mean so much to me. My heart is full!

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  20. Amelia, there are tears in my eyes as I read your story.
    I am so glad you told it and that you are honoring her too short, but sweet time here with you.
    I am glad to remember her with you.
    Here little feet are precious.
    God bless.
    Love from,
    Greta

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  21. Amelia,

    I have been quietly reading your blog for the past couple weeks, but now I need to respond. Thank-you so much for sharing this - I can't imagine that it is easy. You are already an amazing mother. Again, thank-you for sharing this.

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  22. You ARE a mother, please don't let anyone let you think otherwise. Thank you for sharing your first experiences of motherhood with us. You have such a strong, beautiful heart. xx

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  23. Oh goodness, I've barely just "met" you but my heart is breaking after reading this post. I so wish you had a healthy baby in your arms right now. Know that you are a mother, your baby is loved and happy things will be in your future. Sending hugs.

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  24. Hi Amelia,
    Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like reaching out and giving you a hug. There is so much honesty and love in this post, it moves me to tears.
    I hope you are doing well and am looking forward to reading a new post from you soon.
    Life has its challenges, some are so hard to deal with. But we learn and grow from them even when it seems cruel and inexplicable.
    I wish you many happy times ahead.
    Take care.

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  25. I'm so sorry. Losing a baby is so hard, and the way you had to lose your sweet little Daniel is just absolutely tragic. I had a miscarriage in January, and it was heart-wrenching and horrible. I don't know if I could have handled losing my baby at 20 weeks. I guess any time you lose a baby is awful though. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. I think it's a very brave and very important thing to do. You should be proud of yourself for living through this experience and telling others about it. I'll bet it has helped other families who have gone through similar experiences. :)

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  26. Amelia, Tears are running down my face after reading this and I thank-you for telling your brave story. I suffered through 2 miscarriages before giving birth to a beautiful baby boy on Feb.16, 2012. I tell you this story NOT to upset you, but to keep you believing that miracles happen! Your little angel is with us in heaven and my angel is with us on earth. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and Ryan and keep believing!

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  27. hi, amelia. i've just found your blog while hopping around some other blogs. the name of it was what intrigued me to pop over. i don't usually scroll through past page of blogs when i find new ones. i simply look at the current page and move on... unless it's one that has something in it that draws me it to read more. yours did. i've scrolled back so far, i finally reached this post. and of course, i cried while reading it. your writing ability to be honest and gracious is really beautiful. it must feel good to tell your story, but painful too. i have never lost a child in this way. but i did have trouble getting pregnant, and i had a couple early-on miscarriages. with the pain i know of those two things, i can't even imagine suffering what you have. in fact, just the other day my pregnant friend and i discussed it briefly... how some parents have to go through something like that so heart-breaking. anyway, i don't mean to ramble. just wanted to let you know how much i love your blog and love to see your beautiful story unfold... from one mom to another. thank you for sharing it. i also have a young boy... a little older than yours. blogging about my difficulty getting pregnant, my very surprise pregnancy {that we never thought would happen} and his birth and raising him has been so wonderful, and i love to see other moms do it to. we've also recently moved into a new home {tiny, but sort of a dream home for me}, so reading your blog reminds me a lot of myself. i've become a new follower of your blog and look forward to reading more. all the best to you. ~georgia

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  28. I went through the loss of a child too. I know exactly how you felt about wanting to recognized as a mom too. There is nothing compabarable with feeling another life inside of you. Mother's day was the second hardest day of my life, after losing her.

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  29. Thank you for writing this. I lost my daughter four years ago at 20 weeks. Our hospital didn't make moulds but they did take lots of photos and footprints and people make very small clothes and teddy bears for the preemies and stillbirths. So she was dressed in clothes that fit.

    I too have since gone on to have a beautiful healthy son, and I agree with all you have written about how it is hard to talk about how you were already a mother. Mother's and Father's day this year were only our first *with our son* - we were already a mum and a dad.

    Whenever anyone asks if he is my first, I talk about my daughter. I know it kind of wigs people out, but it is really the only way in which I ever get to talk about her anymore. It seems important to do it then.

    It is funny, I am so fine to talk about this as a general rule. I have helped other people deal with their stillbirths and miscarriages because I am so ok about it all. But reading your articles about your lost daughter made me cry today. I am actually really grateful for that.

    Maybe it is that her rosebush has just started blooming like crazy again, and I have been thinking about her.

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  30. I just found this via Hey Natalie Jean, and I want to say thank you so much for sharing your story. I can't wait to read more about your family. XOXO

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