let's talk baby

Now that you all know the real reason why I haven't been blogging regularly since March (I've been in sleepytown and am sloooowly emerging,) shall we discuss it?

Let me begin by saying that we wanted this baby so, so badly. It was only hours, or maybe only minutes after our first baby was born that I said to Ryan, "Can we try again right away?" And we did. I impatiently waited for what felt like forever (it was only a few months, really) ((remember this post about the loss of my first baby? I was pregnant then, and didn't know it)) but we found out we were expecting another on Ryan's birthday. He was in the shower when I took the test. It wasn't the first test I had taken that month and I didn't feel too confident, so I set it on the sink and...forgot about it. I was making breakfast in the kitchen when Ryan came into the room with a grin. And, oh, did I ever cry.

We feel so differently about this pregnancy. I think this time around I truly realize what a blessing it is to be able to have a baby. I know how sweet and perfect and wonderful a baby of my very own is, no matter now big it grows. It's a miracle! It's a life. I am so thankful for it. And I'm constantly pleading with God to let me keep it.

I find myself sympathizing with women who struggle with having babies. Whether it's a woman who can't get pregnant completely naturally, or a woman who can't have children at all, I relate to each one. I know my situation is different - I don't seem to have any trouble getting pregnant. But while some women worry if they'll ever make a baby, I'm the one worrying if I'll ever be able to carry a baby past 20 weeks. My worries keep me up at night. They cause me to call my mom in tears. They hinder me from making too many plans and preparations for this new baby. Just in case. I envy the couples who have blissful pregnancies from start to finish. I feel sorry for myself that I know I'll never be pregnant without a nagging fear of suddenly losing the baby. I don't want it to be that way. It's difficult. Guys. It's difficult!

But, I don't want to give the impression that the only emotion I've experienced during this pregnancy so far is fear. I am so happy. So excited. So hopeful. I have a wonderful doctor who is watching baby closely, and doing everything he can to make me comfortable and at ease. Really, the guy is great. I'll tell anyone who listens how much I love him. I see him every two weeks, and hear the baby's heartbeat at each visit. I'm usually a nervous, high-blood pressured wreck every time, and then - the doppler hits my belly, the little whomp-whomps pierce the tense air, and I feel sweet relief.

Now let's talk stats: I'm 15 weeks along. Baby is due October 24th, and, according to the books, is the size of a navel orange. Thankfully, this pregnancy is proving to be a little easier in the symptoms department. I have nausea and fatigue in the evenings, but nothing has ever gotten too intense. However- if you ever force feed me whole grain mustard, I will barf on you. (Such a shame. I used to love mustard.)

I wanted to thank all of you for your excitement and kind comments yesterday. Especially for your prayers. I wish you all knew how much that means to me. It makes me feel strong! And of course, I can't write a baby post without giving some (No, more than some. TONS OF) love to Ryan. I've been pregnant on and off for 9 of the past 12 months, and emotionally unstable for all of them. Not once has he been anything but wonderful and supportive and comforting and funny and loving and sweet. He's so excited that we're having another baby, and he tells me all the time. We're both so thankful. And we're happy to be this baby's momma and daddy, for as long as God lets us.