5/22/12

seek, and you will find



















We had our 18 week ultrasound yesterday. Joy to the world! Everything is perfect.

Baby's heart rate is perfect. Baby's weight is perfect. Baby's fluid, baby's kidneys, baby's bladder, baby's four-chambered heart---perfect! It wiggled on the screen as if to say, "Don't worry Mom! Look what I can do!" And then, so sweetly, it relaxed with one arm behind its head, and ankles crossed. We're giddy. So proud and so happy and so thankful.

We came home after the ultrasound and a supper out. We puttered around. Ryan changed out of his work clothes, and I put things in their place in the kitchen. And suddenly, I was crying. I felt so relieved, and so happy about our new baby, and so sad about the baby girl we lost.   Everything about that doctor's visit made me remember her all over again. It hits me hard and fast, when I realize that I'm still so sad about it all. I'm sad that her little sibling will never know her. I'm sad that she was sick, that she might have been hurting, and that I had no way of making it better. I'm sad that she died in my belly without me even knowing it was happening. I'll never not be sad.

But oh, I feel so blessed to have known her! I'm so thankful that I got to be her momma, even for just a short time, and that I was able to know her little life from start to finish. I'm thankful she's in heaven waiting for us, and that she has angels singing to her, since I can't do it myself.

And I'm so thankful for this new little life! It feels wonderful to be able to plan and dream again, without so much fear. The happiness of it all is still sinking in. We're going to have a baby! That's pretty cool.


p.s. Here's a secret: we know baby's gender! I'm trying to come up with a fun way to reveal the cute news. Stay tuned.

p.p.s. I wonder how many of my posts include the words, "I cried." Probably about half? Probably.

13 comments:

  1. I'm so happy that everything is going great this time around! I'm exciting for you to reveal the gender and to see another bump picture if you decide to post one (:

    xx
    Cecilia
    dearestlou.com

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    1. Thank you! And you bet I'm gonna post more bump pictures! Just you wait. :)

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  2. Oh, I am crying with you! Tears of joy and also tears of sadness. You have such a tender heart, and God will richly bless you for that. I heard a sermon one time about how for christians, THIS is the closest we will ever be to hell. That just comforts me, for some reason. I hope it helps you- knowing that this life- it can't get WORSE and in heaven it is just going to get BETTER. :)

    I often write on my blog about "crying in the car"-haha. Don't sweat it.

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    1. Holly, thank you. I've been thinking about your comment all night. It is a comfort--makes me wish for heaven so badly!

      And thanks for making me feel better about all the crying. :)

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  3. This is such a sweet and real post.
    It expresses so well the pains and pangs of motherhood.
    I lost a baby 2 years ago.
    I will always miss that little life not lived.
    But I am ever so grateful for the new baby that came after.
    Of course there is still mourning, even while you are dancing.
    And oh how wonderful that you have a reason to dance!!
    So happy for good news with this baby.
    Love from,
    Greta

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    1. Oh Greta! I'm so sorry about your baby. Wish I could hug you. Thank you for your sweet words.

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  4. You have the sweetest heart! Your babies are so lucky to have you. I am so glad that your little baby is doing just fine. :)

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    1. Thank you Kieren! I'm glad too. :)

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  5. My sweet sister, you have me teary!! Thank the Lord and sing His praise for a healthy baby!!! May the Lord continue to bless you, Ryan and sweet baby Markgraf!

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  6. I'm so happy for you and your husband! New life is such a miracle and such an amazing blessing. Prayers for you both as you grieve your first child and get ready to welcome the second. Xo

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    1. Thank you for your prayers Christi! I love knowing that we've got prayers.

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  7. So happy that your little one is doing well! Praying for you still as you deal with so many emotions during your pregnancy and as you prepare to welcome your second babe!

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