I've been thinking.

Posts on New Year goals and resolutions are all over all the blogs right now. There are so many good ones, so many that seem to say exactly what I've been feeling and mulling over in my head for the past few weeks. (This one and this one, especially.)

And before we get into the belly of this sure-to-be-long blog post, I'd just like to say that, as much as I love Christmas time (oh, I do!) there's nothing like the freshness of wiping away the old Christmas dust, clearing everything out, and beginning again. In every part of life. And isn't a thick, glossy January magazine full of color and salads and organizational tips just the bees knees?

But, like I said, I've been thinking. About the new year and my little family and my little blog-- especially about my little blog. I started it over a year ago, writing and posting for no one but myself. I had wanted to start one long before I actually did, but the long and lonely days after the stillbirth of my first baby were what made me actually sit down and write. It felt good to have a space where I could record my memories and feelings, as well as an extra place to experiment with and test my creativity. I really loved my little blog and it's few faithful followers. 

Over time I gained more readers, and eventually, people that I actually knew in real life were finding out about my blog, which was equal parts exciting and terrifying. And I don't know exactly when it started happening, but I think I began editing my posts. I was no longer just writing to friendly internet strangers, I was writing to so and so and that friend from such and such. So, instead of just blogging freely and writing whatever popped into my head, I began to think, Will so and so think it's weird that I take so many pictures of my living room? I stopped blogging as often as I wanted to because it made me feel anxious, and when I did blog, I wrote in a tight, cramped, edited voice that wasn't mine at all. I've been suffering from a severe case of blogging stage fright, and it's prevented me from growing this blog the way I want to.

It doesn't help that I'm still not sure I know what direction I want to take with my blog. I like to take pictures, but I'm not a photographer. I like to write, but I'm not a writer. I like to decorate my house and bake and draw and paint, but I'm not Martha Stewart. So, oftentimes, I find myself floundering and wondering what I truly have to offer in a blog. What can I give to my readers that will make them want to keep coming back?

And yet, I know that if there's anything I'm good at, it's being creative. I mean, I graduated college with an Art major and an English minor. Writing, creating, and recording the beautiful and happy things in my life are all hobbies that I love-- they're the things that I do to avoid doing things that I hate, like cleaning the shower. Does that make sense? Anyway, the blogging community is something I am so strongly drawn to-- I feel like it's the kind of place where I can stretch and grow and challenge myself, right next to people who are so similar to me. I want to keep being a part of it.

So, in the spirit of a fresh new year and for the love of my blog, I made a few resolutions. And just like every other blogger has said, I'm writing them here so that they're public-- so that I will be held to them:

+ I'm going to try to write freely again, in my own voice, without editing. (Except for the editing that comes from Ryan, of course. He's a good judge of knowing what I should and shouldn't say, and reads many of my posts before I hit publish. If he shows even the slightest cringe it's backspace, backspace, backspace.)

+ I'm going to try to post at least 3 times a week, even if I feel like I'm writing about nothing. I recently read old posts from last year, and I love them. Even the stupid ones. I'm so glad for the bits of life I recorded here.

+ I'm going to try to put my Art major to good use, and one way or another, find a way to make a little money for my family. I don't like knowing that the pressure of paying for student loans, a new house, and hospital bills is all on Ryan's shoulders. I'd love to be able to help. This one especially makes me nervous. Like, hives and high blood pressure nervous.

+ And I guess as long as I'm posting some goals, I'd also like to make it official that I intend to lose the baby weight, and for the love of Pete, finally figure out how to make the big photos that I post un-fuzzy. They're not fuzzy when I take them. Why do they show up fuzzy here? It's driving me nuts. (HELP.)

I also resolve to wear more hats. 2013 is about to get really exciting.