And before we get into the belly of this sure-to-be-long blog post, I'd just like to say that, as much as I love Christmas time (oh, I do!) there's nothing like the freshness of wiping away the old Christmas dust, clearing everything out, and beginning again. In every part of life. And isn't a thick, glossy January magazine full of color and salads and organizational tips just the bees knees?
But, like I said, I've been thinking. About the new year and my little family and my little blog-- especially about my little blog. I started it over a year ago, writing and posting for no one but myself. I had wanted to start one long before I actually did, but the long and lonely days after the stillbirth of my first baby were what made me actually sit down and write. It felt good to have a space where I could record my memories and feelings, as well as an extra place to experiment with and test my creativity. I really loved my little blog and it's few faithful followers.
Over time I gained more readers, and eventually, people that I actually knew in real life were finding out about my blog, which was equal parts exciting and terrifying. And I don't know exactly when it started happening, but I think I began editing my posts. I was no longer just writing to friendly internet strangers, I was writing to so and so and that friend from such and such. So, instead of just blogging freely and writing whatever popped into my head, I began to think, Will so and so think it's weird that I take so many pictures of my living room? I stopped blogging as often as I wanted to because it made me feel anxious, and when I did blog, I wrote in a tight, cramped, edited voice that wasn't mine at all. I've been suffering from a severe case of blogging stage fright, and it's prevented me from growing this blog the way I want to.
It doesn't help that I'm still not sure I know what direction I want to take with my blog. I like to take pictures, but I'm not a photographer. I like to write, but I'm not a writer. I like to decorate my house and bake and draw and paint, but I'm not Martha Stewart. So, oftentimes, I find myself floundering and wondering what I truly have to offer in a blog. What can I give to my readers that will make them want to keep coming back?
And yet, I know that if there's anything I'm good at, it's being creative. I mean, I graduated college with an Art major and an English minor. Writing, creating, and recording the beautiful and happy things in my life are all hobbies that I love-- they're the things that I do to avoid doing things that I hate, like cleaning the shower. Does that make sense? Anyway, the blogging community is something I am so strongly drawn to-- I feel like it's the kind of place where I can stretch and grow and challenge myself, right next to people who are so similar to me. I want to keep being a part of it.
So, in the spirit of a fresh new year and for the love of my blog, I made a few resolutions. And just like every other blogger has said, I'm writing them here so that they're public-- so that I will be held to them:
+ I'm going to try to write freely again, in my own voice, without editing. (Except for the editing that comes from Ryan, of course. He's a good judge of knowing what I should and shouldn't say, and reads many of my posts before I hit publish. If he shows even the slightest cringe it's backspace, backspace, backspace.)
+ I'm going to try to post at least 3 times a week, even if I feel like I'm writing about nothing. I recently read old posts from last year, and I love them. Even the stupid ones. I'm so glad for the bits of life I recorded here.
+ I'm going to try to put my Art major to good use, and one way or another, find a way to make a little money for my family. I don't like knowing that the pressure of paying for student loans, a new house, and hospital bills is all on Ryan's shoulders. I'd love to be able to help. This one especially makes me nervous. Like, hives and high blood pressure nervous.
+ And I guess as long as I'm posting some goals, I'd also like to make it official that I intend to lose the baby weight, and for the love of Pete, finally figure out how to make the big photos that I post un-fuzzy. They're not fuzzy when I take them. Why do they show up fuzzy here? It's driving me nuts. (HELP.)
I also resolve to wear more hats. 2013 is about to get really exciting.