The fire department came :: A very long timeline of the stupid things that happened yesterday

7:25am: Ralph wakes up with an atrocious diaper. I don't want to be the mom who blogs about her baby's poo, but I will tell you that this diaper required an immediate bath and the washing of many linens. Many, many linens.

7:30am: Ralph happily splashes in the sink.
7:45am: Ryan leaves for work, late.
10:45am: I wake a napping Ralphie, and struggle to squish him into his bear suit and his car seat. Remember that it's only 5 degrees outside. Add an extra hat.
10:50am: Ryan picks us up, we head to the baby dermatologist for a check-up on Ralph's strawberry birthmarks.
11:15am: Arrive at the hospital.
11:30am: Are informed that the doctor is running 45 minutes late.
12:00pm: We're finally called back into a room. The nurse instructs us to strip Ralph down to his diaper and dress him up in a doll-sized hospital gown.
12:02pm: Take a million photos of Ralph in the hospital gown, because it's super adorable.

12:40pm: Doctors and nurses finally show up. Ralph charms and coos at them all, except for the scary nurse who obviously ate green peppers for lunch. (Big time tears.)
1:15pm: Ryan drops us off at home, I nurse Ralph, eat lunch.
2:30pm: Ralph goes down for a nap, I tackle the dishes.
3:15pm: Feel sleepy, sit down. Check Pinterest.
3:20pm: Smoke alarm in the stairway beeps.
3:22pm: Smoke alarm beeps again. My brain goes into Crazy Mom Mode, think about people dying in their houses from carbon monoxide, and gosh, I am sleepy. And is that a headache I feel?
3:23pm: Call Ryan, ask if smoke alarm is also a carbon monoxide detector. Am instructed to fetch the other detector from the basement. Bring it upstairs. It beeps four times.
3:24pm: Detector is still beeping. CARBON MONOXIDE. Call brother-in-law Jason, who has the day off, ask him to come over to inspect.
3:25pm: Scoop Ralphie up from his crib, take him downstairs, open front door and fan 5 degree fresh air into the house. An irritated Ralph screams in protest.
3:26pm: Call Ryan again, tell him to come home.
3:27pm: Detector is still beeping. Google "What to do if carbon monoxide detector is beeping." Panic. Call fire department. A recorded message says they're closed for MLK day.
3:28pm: Call 911 (OH YES I DID.) Jason shows up in his sweatpants, looks bewildered. I shove a still-crying Ralphie into his arms while explaining to the 911 dispatcher that it's not really an emergency but my carbon monoxide detector is beeping and I can't take my baby outside in the 5 degree weather and I called the fire department and they're closed? and-- The dispatcher cuts me off, says the fire department is never closed. I try not to lose it.
3:29pm: Dispatcher connects me to a nicer dispatcher who tells me that the fire department is on it's way.
3:30pm: Hang up. Explain to Jason what the rock is going on, tell him the fire department is coming. Maybe cry a little bit.
3:31pm: Hear sirens. A fire truck with whirling lights screeches to a halt in front of the house. Two firemen jump out and run up to the house. ONE OF THEM HAS AN AXE. Die of embarrassment  (But hey, quick response time, guys!)
3:32pm: The friendly firemen inspect all 3 floors of the house, determine that all 3 floors have carbon monoxide levels of zero. Carbon monoxide detector is mysteriously not beeping anymore?
3:35pm: It is declared that the two detectors beeping at the same time was merely a strange coincidence. I sheepishly apologize to all. And then I take a bunch of photos of the firemen to show Ryan later. Firemen exit the house and slowly drive their giant truck away.
3:40pm: Jason makes sure I am ok, hands me a wide-eyed Ralphie, laughs at me, leaves.
3:41pm: Ryan finally gets home. I tell him what happened. He doesn't believe me until I show him the pictures. He asks if I'm ok. Then laughs at me.
4:25pm: We go to Target, pick up a pizza and a carton of ice cream.
5:30pm: Come home, eat pizza, give up on the remainder of the day.

AND THUS CONCLUDES THE STUPIDEST DAY EVER.