living in color

Here's something you should know: grieving is a strange, surprising thing. When I think I should be feeling sad, I don't feel it. And then, at the strangest of moments, it splashes all over me like a dumped bucket of ice water.

Grieving is flighty and unpredictable. I've found that I can have an entire week's worth of good days, and I'll think, I'm over the hump! I have a handle on this! Only to be followed by terribly low moments filled with tears and wildly swinging moods.

Last week was rough. An entire week's worth of low moments. To the point where I threw something out of anger. (It was only a sock.) But as I watched that stupid sock slide across the floor and skid to a halt I thought, where did that come from? My fits of anger were so sudden and surprising, and I was embarrassed. And then, of course, I cried.

But I realized something.




I was tired of feeling sorry for myself, tired of wondering when the next baby will come, tired of thinking about it all, day after day after day. Guys, being sad is exhausting.

So, I found Ryan, hugged him hard, and told him how I was feeling. He was glad I did, and said some wonderful things that made me feel so much better. And then I called my mom, who said these things:

1. Stop it.
2. Take a walk.
3. Enjoy your time with your husband, and do fun things with him.
4. Be creative. Do something artistic.

So I'm trying. I'm remembering that my God has all things in his keeping. I know that he will give me a baby when the time is right, and that it's really really dumb to sit and be sad until then. I'm giving my husband extra attention and love, because even at my grizzliest, he didn't complain once, and he deserves some smooches. I'm surrounding myself with happy things, colorful things, pretty things. 

And it's working.


  1. my heart hurts for you. even though I didn't lose a baby it took us a long time to finally receive our daughter. We were married for four years. And when all of our friends were making the population rise we were not. I saw God's plan, excepted it and moved on. yes, there were still hard days waiting for that child but also when I look back the two of us cherish that time we had together too. amelia my prayer for you is that you are able to find peace and know (which I know you do) the the Lord is in control. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord ....."

  2. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the prayers! Means so much to me.

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine...

    And not to go totally off-topic, but your home and crafts are so beautiful. You are so talented and creative!

  4. I stumbled upon your blog this morning while I'm completely avoiding my day job in the office. I LOVE it! I've had dreams of getting my own blog going (a creative outlet that someone besides my mom will read) and just haven't gotten the courage to do it. Your tone and style and wit are everything I love about reading blogs. Congrats on getting recognized. I think it's great. You motivate me!

    And as for the other stuff....I've been there. Loss is really, really hard. Really hard. I've been able to continue each day by realizing there are some things you can't control (what?!!!). I know. I think that is the hardest part. I have some issues with control. My cooking and crafting never had issues with control....why do my girly parts? Why can't they just do what I want them to? I know how hard it is, but I promise....there is light at the end of the tunnel. You'll get there. Keep your head up. Keep blogging! You're so good at it!